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3/12/10 08:16 am - Car horns, rain, blah

I learned something useful for city-driving today: If I turn up my music loud enough, I don't have to listen to any car horns. People in this city honk all the time. They honk if you slow down to let someone into the lane. They honk if you don't begin acceleration a half-second before the light turns green. They honk at pedestrians. It's ridiculous. So, whilst listening to lil wayne, I realized that I couldn't hear anyone honking. It was so wonderful, I made a point to let people into my lane. I think the folks behind me got mad, but I wouldn't really know.

Also, on a more intellectual note, cities make weather seem ugly, barbaric, and unnatural. Let's face it: cities are asphalt gardens. Buildings often have some greenery, but these shrubs and small trees are watered via the janitor's hose or sprinklers. Driving around GDLs financial district in the rain illustrates my point: when it rains, water runs off nearly everything, and ends up sweeping down the streets. The gutters often swell like small creeks, massive puddles form everywhere, and all the women in high-heels look oh-so-unhappy.

So rain in the city isn't needed, it isn't pretty, and all of the water on the street turns black with dirt and grime. Since there are so few plants, all we see is dirty, dirty water. We don't really see the rain as it occurs in nature: getting soaked up by plants. This makes the rain seem unnatural to us, because it doesn't seem to help the ecosystem, it doesn't get soaked up, and it looks unclean.

3/12/10 08:10 am - The end is near and love is only make believe.

they're remembered best
as a quick succession
of furious navigational mistakes:
running barefoot from the institution
cigarette dangling
from a bandaged hand
and nothing but a blanket
a new moon
and an armada of one-eyed doctors
between her
and her truck,
next stop me
and the best she'd ever be,
not sure where she was going but sure i'd be there
(i'd taken a wrong turn
and ended up in tundra
remembering only vaguely
a missed appointment,
perhaps important);
the next,
a pretty girl with her first needle
revving like a souped up caddy
me tracing the roadmap
to a questionable location
on the bad side of town
on the insides of her pale and freckled arm
i said,
"this route would be your best bet,"
she pounded it,
pedal to the metal
soaring the highways and byways
of her wetslick capillaries
got there faster
than either of us would've expected
but then, she was always
a bit more reckless than i
behind the wheel.
there was a sad-eyed boy once
tripping to god knows where
who asked me
directions to oblivion
and got a slightly different answer
(i wouldn't make the same mistake twice,
that was for damned sure
i'd been studying my atlas this time)
"take a left here and
at the junction of my thighs
go straight ahead,
you can't miss it."
but ended up in pretty much the same place anyway
with a tank running on empty
and the familiar sense
of not having travelled
very far at all.
i've realized since
that i ain't no magellan
no cat for the crow's nest
or passenger seat
the red and blue traces of a paper topography
are a blur to me,
and i'm always begging to stop
at those rinky-dink tourist traps
featuring jackelopes and wax museums.
i can never figure out which way is north
with my gumball machine compass,
or how to fold the map back up in
a neat
little package
once it's been consulted
but if someone's seeking
that road to oblivion
the route i've shuttled many a year now
wondering if it's really worth the commute
(what with gas prices these days)
the good samaritan in me
is never quite able to shrug
smile cluelessly
and point them in the opposite direction

2/6/10 08:23 am - Lucien.

Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person, and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have...
Standing so close... knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person, and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down, come down.
I cherish you...I cherish you.
Just say you would do the same for me.
For as much as I love Autumn, I'm giving myself to Ashes.

11/19/09 07:42 pm - .... lately

"The transitory nature of relationships...". When I talk to you I speak in these terms and I wait for you to fulfill a philosophy set out by the pain of my past. I start sentences with phrases like that to sound pragmatic between the corny jokes and un-interpretable moments of moody silence. This, my absolution for my future abandonment of you and that life I said I loved.

In the morning as I stare at my ankle and wonder what the brown spots are and if I've contracted some sort of wilderness rash. You tell me that I'm just dirty. I resist the assertion, dirt isn't spotted. I pour water over myself and watch the spots turn to mud and my face turn to a childlike simplicity that speaks in that ignorance that is acceptable because you grin and shrug your shoulders. I've fallen just far enough to forget what that dust is that covers my life really is. Spots and sorrow and my denial of what the shade fails to hide.

I miss everyone from the past and feel impartial to everyone in my future.

10/28/09 09:30 pm - general miscellany (redundancies be we...)

A wish is not an action. It's a dream, a thought, a vague breeze of emotion with no true impetus in the physical realm. Because all the wishing I did for bad things to go away in my life has never worked. What has worked is actions, responsibility, and decisions. But never wishing. Which isn't to say I don't understand the gesture. I do, very much so. I just don't find it useful in the world I inhabit. (Which, it may be safe to say, isn't always even approximate to the reality most people inhabit.)

It´s happening, I've been here before, and I know how to do it quietly, connectedly, so no one really knows exactly where I've gone. It's detachment, it's books, it's movies, it's Internet addictions, hours spent aimlessly surfing instead of interacting and being available... It's not writing and it's not productive. But it's better than other forms of madness in that it staves off the true, total desolation of giving up creativity entirely.

love rain in the absence of wind. The moisture beads on the trees, and each drop at the end of a needle or leaf gathers more and more moisture until it's fat enough to fall off and splat on something below. If that something is the roof of your car, it can sound like gravel or gunshots and be quite startling. And until the drops gather enough water to fall, they're quite lovely beading all the trees in the light.

4/2/09 09:50 am - I never Update.

I live in Guadalajara Jalisco, Mexico now. I don't have time to input a detailed update right now, but I will... soon.

10/15/08 11:00 am - Piercings

Now that i'm allowed, i'm thinking of getting some holes in my face. I'm very flaky so I don't want something that will leave a huge hole in case I want to take it out because i'm pretty sure that within a week i'll completely regret it.

I don't like eyebrow piercings but this one is kind of cool.
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10/10/08 11:16 am

Day 2. I suppose my subconscious really wants him to call, i spend too much thinking about what I would say or if I should even pick up. I guess i'm secretly hoping this is just one of those times... where he didn't mean what he said. I have to convince myself that its real this time, its certainly over but how do I? How can I? if i'm still completely obsessed. One day at a time like everything else, I'm chain smoking way more than I should and pot has become a dear friend. I should stop... I'm going backwards in time.
I thought that since i'm so lost right now just not thinking as i wrote would help. but nothing came out. no subconscious thoughts. no anger. just nothing. i feel so empty. i hate not doing anything with my time. i'd rather be working or at school than just sitting at home. reading doesn't distract me anymore. neither does packing.

i finally really understand that garden state quote. i'm not just trying to be emo about it. "You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone... You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know"

i should want to go home. but i don't. i just don't feel any connection at all. i love some of my friends , but let's face it, most of my real friends are in the army. i can be friends with anyone from any distance and I can't be friends with Aman anymore because I hate his blue haired gf and I can't stand the thought of them together. Sorry Aman, I know this is selfish but I can't deny that i'm a selfish girl.


10/9/08 07:36 pm - Okay

is it just more convenient to update when i'm feeling out of sorts?
i hear my fan and see my messy room and i'm wondering when i'm going to get out of my sister's house and go back to california.
As much as I try...
My complete honesty is not available to anyone, i don't think.
i'm afraid the people i like the most are going to find someone better than me which i'm sure in many occasions Taylor already has, i really dont like to be second to anyone. People demand a lot (including myself) its usually indirectly or unintentionally; but it happens all the same.
some stuff you can't control. other stuff you can, but that stuff usually ends up mattering considerably less until you have no control over it anymore.
i have some bathwater waiting for me...
when things get quiet i feel alone but in all honesty i am the happiest when i belong to only myself.
nothing will change that and i hope no one tries to again, it only feels awkward.
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10/1/08 09:07 pm - Hello

I've decided to start using my livejournal, not as a place to input pretentious ramblings but as a documentation of my actual life, see this has always been my problem; the ability to be completely honest with myself and others is foreign to me-- i hide behind many faces, personalities etc; partly as a self defense mechanism & also for amusement "seeing what i can get away with" type of thing.
Many things have happened since my last attempt to maintain this thing. I don't know if i'll be able to go over everything in detail because my memory fails me often. I guess the most important thing to mention is that I finally ETS'd out of the military after going through numerous problems where the army managed to fuck me one last time i'm finally out with a full honorable discharge. I'm currently engaged with my off again on again boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. I'm still very apathetic about everything but i realized that someone who stays by your side and is whiling to make things work after you tried to commit homicide is definitely someone either very special or completely insane, regardless.. he's good to me; better than anyone has ever been.
On July 16 I tried to kill him, (literally) I was on the edge, my breakdown was around the corner and I finally snapped. If you know me personally you understand that it was just a matter of time before "I hurt myself or someone else" everything happened too fast to remember much, but I can still see myself vividly being carried away to the mental hospital strapped down; the time was 12:43am I remember glancing over at the clock in the ambulance and thinking to myself "is this really me?". I stepped out of my own body and saw the way I was acting but had no control. The reason I snapped is insignificant because i've realized that anything could have pushed me off.
I was bleeding out and Chris calling the military police saved my life I know this and i'm thankful of it. I was uncontrollable not even he could have made me stop. I remember going after him with broken glass and all he could do is hold me down and rub my back i remember this angered me, he could have done anything; slapped me, leave me there, curse me out but instead he reassured me he still loved me.
The morning after he tried to come see me but they wouldn't let him, I was sure i was going to lose him forever, I wouldn't stay or be with someone like me. I'm a bit of a lost cause really, but there he is sleeping in the waiting room... tired I imagine and late for work.
Of course my commander forced me into anger management and mental health therapy, and of course they told me everything I already knew. I was diagnosed with *-----------------* things I have been told before but refused to get "help" for. I managed to talk my way out of this mess and had my whole Company's "pity" and "understanding" all which helped me ETS on good terms.
Aug 17 Chris and I took a much needed vacation to mexico before he deployed, our passion and love for each other came back to life. Sep 01 he deployed to Iraq and here I am, left behind waiting for my Soldier to come back alive. I'm hoping to move to mexico while I wait for him i'm eager and excited to live a normal life outside of the overbearing arms of the US GOV. Read more...Collapse )
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